Lies I used to believe: part 1

I almost changed my name three years ago.

I’m not joking.

In 2008, I seriously considered moving somewhere far away, changing my name, and trying to start my life over as someone that no one had ever heard of before. I only considered this in earnest for a week, but even as I thought about it I knew that running away from my problems was not the answer. Still, the idea of wiping my slate clean and starting over was pretty attractive.

It’s only natural that you’d ask “why,” and it’s a valid question—one that takes some explaining. What I’m about to write will surprise some people, and I doubt I can explain this in one or even two posts.

In the first post I made on this blog, I mentioned a list of differences between my old blog (from my college days) and this blog. They can be boiled down to this: my relationship with God is different now, and as a result, I relate to people differently.

What I hope to do in the following week or two is explain why I am no longer who I was. But I need to be clear about my purpose and reasoning here, lest people assume something that is not true.

It’s not my goal to attack anyone or anything except falsehood.

The past few years of my life have changed me and, I hope, made me a better man. I’m thankful for the work of God in my life, and I feel like this is something I need to share.

You see, three years ago, I was living under a horrible misconception of WHO God is. I saw Him as a Devine Meter Maid—constantly checking to see if I had paid my dues for being a “good Christian.” This payment was in the form of behaving myself, having rigid personal standards, and basically being as close to perfect as is humanly possible.

Obviously, this was not a feasible goal.

As a result, the framework of Christianity that I had built around myself began to crumble. I came to the place where I realized I could never maintain the perfection necessary to have God be pleased with me all the time.

So I quit.

Or at least I tried to. I toyed with the idea of moving away and starting over. Maybe if no one knew me I could start over and live a whole new life worthy of God’s favor. Maybe anonymity would help me be perfect.

No, that idea was stupid and I knew it (though every now and then it still seemed like a good one). Instead of following that foolish idea, I sought help... and for the last several years I have had some great men come along side me without judgment to help me struggle through the areas I thought I already had figured out.

I owe a lot of this to my church. While it is in no way perfect, it has been a great place for me to grow in my faith and learn solid Bible doctrine.

More than that though, it has been in the last year that God has freed me from a lot of the guilt and false teachings that were downing me in a sea of unattainable religious perfection.

It is for this reason I feel that I must write about these topics. Not because they are divisive amongst my friends; not because I am bitter or hold some grudge; definitely not because I want to stir up controversy (indeed, avoiding controversy is why I have been quiet for so long).

No, I must write this because I am told in Psalms, “Let the redeemed of the Lord say so.” I must write this because I am redeemed.